Bolton vs. Seger

without a doubt, one of my most prized possessions is a michael bolton t-shirt. in a word, it's glorious.

this shirt is always a crowd pleaser, always classy and always the sexiest attire in the room. i recently had the great joy of giving a bolton t-shirt to one of my good friends on the eve of his wedding. much like me, wearing this beautiful man on his chest has brought him great joy.

office space is a film that has very much heightened the joy of a michael bolton t-shirt. those in the know will frequently recite lines from the movie, allowing me to join in with lines such as "i've got to tell ya, i am a big fan" & "to me it doesn't get any better than when he sings 'when a man loves a woman.'" what i'm saying is that it, more times than not, makes for a good time. it's hard not to smile when looking at the curly headed beauty.

tonight, however, i had a different sort of experience. on the way home i stopped for some milk. while shopping, i passed a woman who was wearing a bob seger shirt. she looked at me as if i was painted purple. she obviously was a detroit rock type of person. the fact that i, a 'man' would sport the likes of an easy-listening tool like michael bolton on my chest made her want to vomit, if only a taster.

i walked by, but my mind stayed there. what if there was a seger/bolton clash? who would win this classic confrontation? let's find out.

Bob Seger

vs.

Michael Bolton

the pictures above shall represent the warriors in this brawl. bolton, much like samson, lost all of his power when he cut those glorious locks. i also like seger at this stage of life. i don't really care to look at the chubby, short-haired seger.

some ground rules. the silver bullet band must not interfere. this war must be waged between the two vocalists. there will be 3 rounds: round 1- wailing ability, round 2- overall presentation, round 3- musical merit

round 1: wailing ability

seger comes out strong. his throaty voice finds its mark..... our hearts. seger is so blue-collar that even his singing sounds like a hard day at the office. he earns every note, singing them with the authority kids today need what with their winy emo. the way he sings makes you believe everything he says. i believe he'll keep running against the wind, i believe that he is going and i should turn the page, i believe he is indeed like a rock and as strong as he could be, and i believe that we have got tonight and i certainly will stay.

bolton lacks no gusto. he is another man who works for his notes. the power that comes out of this man is a like a firework display that will keep you saying 'ooooh' all night. each word comes from deep within his gut. at times you feel that his head is in danger of exploding. for instance, towards the end of when a man loves a woman there is a very likely chance that the average man passes out in any attempt to wail in such a manner. he also seems to have a better grasp of the falsetto, example: a few seconds into love is a wonderful thing.

bolton, much like seger, leads you to believe the words he sings. unfortunately, bolton's words are usually somebody else’s. but this is not about what they sing, but how they sing it. although i very much enjoy listening to seger, i can't help but believe that bolton would out wail him any day. seger voice sounds as if he has a perpetual sore throat. bolton wails his way into a round one victory.

round 2: overall presentation

this is a basically a way for me to say appearance.

bolton's mullet, as much as i adore it, is a little gaudy. obviously, i think he is better off with it than without it, but it certainly doesn't add any class. he typically will wear a shirt unbuttoned a bit to show off a little chest. it is not uncommon for him to sport a jacket. this adds a bit of class, but the mullet brings him right back down. when singing he seems to do a fist clinching thing as his face looks as though he is giving birth. overall, i feel as though he looks as if he is trying not to go to the bathroom.

i always think of seger on the railroad tracks in all black. the black is a good move for bob. let's face it; he doesn't have bolton's physique (which isn't saying much). he also possesses something bolton doesn't have, stupendous facial hair. seger can grow a beard with the best of them. i'd also have to say that his feathered looking hair is much more respectable than the mane bolton sported. on stage, seger is as blue-collared as a man can be.

bottom line, i feel less uncomfortable watching seger do what he does. i'll always feel a bit awkward when bolton attempts to seduce all within view. bolton is a bit creepy (not a minor factor in my love for my bolton t-shirt.
round two is seger's.

round 3: the goods

both have had their share of hits. bolton just seems to sing other people's hits a lot more than seger. that is going to hurt him in this round. he has released entire albums of other people's songs with a bolton twist, i.e. hernia inducing vocal efforts. but i won't lie; few songs make me happier than love is a wonderful thing. few songs touch my heart like how am i supposed to live without you (extra points for being in a classic saved by the bell episode). few songs hurt like said i loved you.... but i lied (shady michael, shady). and few songs make me admire a man's commitment to butchering a classic as when a man loves a woman.

seger, quite simply, is fantastic. turn the page, night moves, we've got tonight, old time rock and roll, like a rock and against the wind. there aren't many artists with 6 songs of this caliber. while bolton reminds me of office space and saved by the bell, seger's songs inspire memories of tom cruise in his underwear and tom hanks running across our beautiful country. it is also very important to remember that, as cruel as this sounds, seger isn't a joke. bolton, has sort of become one. office space ensured that.
round three.... seger.

thus, the woman who looked at my bolton t-shirt with such disdain was right to look down upon me. seger is the greater of the two. if only she could read this. she would know that i didn't wear that shirt because i think he rocks. i dawn that shirt because michael bolton is lame and should be celebrated for it.