regret

this morning i recieved a call regarding a boy in moldova. this was a boy i had hoped to work with very closely during my time there. over the course of my first three months, i tried to track him down to no avail. i would call and leave message after message but to no avail. i was never able to get in touch with him and after a few months i quit.

the call informed me that he has passed away. i don't know the exact details yet. i just know that it happened.

a small part of me wonders if things would have been different had i made a stronger effort to track him down, to get in touch with him, to love him better and anything else. i wonder if i messed up. i mean, i was there. i could have done more to get in touch, why didn't i try harder? those are questions i suppose i must ask myself. i know there are many people who would stop me there and comfort me, tell me it was out of my control, that i was busy enough and so on and so forth. but those words would probably not do much to ease my mind.

a while back, a guy at church i knew had an illness that required him to move south, to a warmer climate. he had poored himself into a group of my friends, something he had expressed a little anxiety or nervousness about doing. i remember telling him that i would stay in contact with him. that we would try to get down to see him. i did neither.

a few years passed and i was told that the illness that had moved him away from his home had now taken his life. the promises i hadn't kept hit me in the gut. i hadn't kept my word, i hadn't made the effort and i hated myself for it.

as i've prayed for the people in their lives, today i haven't been able to get either of these people off my mind. i have had to look at myself and wonder if i'm doing enough in my life. i have to wonder if i really care about those around me. i have to ask myself if i'd be willing to go after that kid that i want to give up on. and there are countless other questions and thoughts wrestling around, fighting each other and making my head a hostile place to be.

my heart is heavy today. the cold, damp weather has been the proper setting for that heaviness. it has sent me seeking warmth and comfort. it has made me remember just why i want to live a life free of regret. it has helped me to remember that there are people out there that just need somebody to care and that we all will be one of those people at some point.

this next week i'm going to pearlington mississippi in order to help build a home for a family which lost theirs by way of katrina. i'm sure these thoughts will stay with me as the spirit God placed in me fights to draw me closer to him as i try to draw closer to him.

but today, i'll hurt and i'll remember these two people. i'll pray that these regrets will change me, sanctify me and help me to walk the way of the cross. they'll forever stay a part of me, their faces serving as a reminder of God's call on my life, on our lives, to love each other as Christ loved us.