reason's last step

i just read this on espn.com from columnist matt mosley:

"Right now I'm in sort of an emotional state because the moderate Baptists from Baylor lost to another Baptist school (Wake Forest) that may or may not believe in full immersion. But I have seen the future of college football, and his name is Robert Griffin."

it is interesting how theology plays into our lives. theology is so closely attached to how we look at everything. this quote was obviously a joke, which i get. the thing that makes it equal parts funny and sad is that it isn't really a joke for some.

there are truly no people that are immune from having theology, from being theologians. it is a necessary part of humanity: the God question. we form opinions, make declarations and act on them- with a lot of being confused. most of the time, at least to me, there is an emphasis on the being confused part.

the confusion part is actually one of my favorite parts of theology, of thinking about God. i suppose the confusion, a good portion awe, helps me to know God really is. i'll never be able to understand or explain the trinity beyond the simple. i'll never really understand questions of suffering. i'll have answers and thoughts on those things, sure. but i'll always just be guessing, albeit an educated and explored guess. i believe having these ideas matters. at some point though, it doesn't.

at some point, it doesn't matter if you are amellinial, post-mellinial or pre-mellinial, dispensationalist or otherwise. to a degree, it doesn't matter whether you believe in sprinkling, dunking or another form of baptism. there are so many disputed aspects of the diverse and collective theology of the church. some matter more than others. i am saying that these things matter, that theology matters. there needs to be balance.

but that point where it stops mattering, is when that theology, your system of thought and that belief structure replaces God. you've stopped caring to know Him. you've started caring solely to know about Him. theology is missing the point, when it isn't personal with the divine creator and sustainer of life.

for me, a week into seminary, all of the above is going to be a part of my task. this is something i had a hard time doing for a part of my undergrad experience. i would hate to see my love for the completeness of God be overwhelmed by the complexities. i don't want to figure him out. i want to love him more, know him more, serve him more, trust him more, listen to him more...

so if i get to sound like i'm letting much of this stuff i'm studying here stay in my head, please remind me how much more it matters to have it in your heart, in your gut. remind me that and, from time to time, remind yourself.

pascal says this: "reason's last step is to recognition that there are an infinite number of things which are beyond it. it is merely feeble if it does not go as far as to realize that."

triple play

last night, i was able to work three wonderfully random movie references into conversation with one of my new classmates. they were as follows:

teen wolf,
ladybugs,
and sister act 2i was really happy with myself because none of them were forced. each naturally fit into the conversation. now this person believes i only watch movies of a lesser quality. i really enjoy the tag line on the ladybugs poster.

willie nelson

there is a moment in the first season of lost which i can site as the start of me loving it. it happened on the episode when the survivors are deciding whether they will dwell on the beach, with the faint hope of being spotted, or moving into the caves, for added protection and fresh water.

as they settle down in their respective camps, hurley begins listening to an old willie nelson song. this link will get you to it. the song asks "are you sure this is where you want to be?" it stayed with me, burrowed deeply into my head to haunt me periodically in my life. it stayed with me then, because i wasn't where i wanted to be.

it was where i needed to be though. i needed to be in a place where i was searching for meaning and purpose, a statement all to easy to make in hindsight. at the time, i felt mostly guilt and an alarming sense of failure that i wasn't at that place, a place not even defined at all.

i wasn't sure where i wanted to be exactly. willie nelson only rubbed my face in the dirt, although he kept it "between you and me." i was sure i didn't want to be where i was at the time i watched this episode. i desired a place that didn't exist- not in my mind, not anywhere- and felt burdened that i could not actualize that desire. that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, unfair and unreasonable as it was.

the only bit of hope i had was that i was where God wanted me to be. as trite as that can sound, it was my only bit of comfort. deep within me i knew it mattered more where He wanted me and i was trying to find that. i knew that i would be more satisfied following his guidance than pursuing things in which God was not present.

now i don't expect you to believe that i've pursued His will perfectly or even, at times, that well . but i feel like those times when i followed the Savior's leading into the places i was sure i didn't want to be were pivotal to the now and to the place He is taking me.

this all comes to mind because that old willie nelson song is back in my head this week. it has been running through it periodically, asking that question: are you sure this is where you want to be? this school, this state, this city: are you sure?

for the first time in a long time, i have a winsome grin when that song plays through my head. i'm pretty sure i am where i want to be. the part that makes it all the more sweet, is that i feel like that divine want and my want are in sync.

it seems like, as a christian, those two things are always supposed to line up. but the Bible is full of examples of them not lining up. there is something to that. it is as if God is saying "i know this isn't easy, this not my will but thine process." that helps me. it helps to know that i am in a course of being made more like Him, of being sanctified. it helps to know, in time, where i want to be will be purely where He wants me to be.

the desires of my heart that the Lord is going to give me as that popular verse in psalm 37 tells us come when and after i learn to delight myself in Him. that isn't about getting what i want, but about finding the joy that comes from longing for God and what He wants- then actually seeing those wants come to fruition.

i suppose the reason i like lost and that this particular scene stuck with me is that it shows the choices people make about who they are within a community or even the community with which they are going to identify. it expressed something of what i was going through, the wondering of what i was intended to do- not just with my life but with my days. in fact i'm grateful to lost and, of course, to willie nelson for asking me that question so often and preventing me from being willing to accept my initial answer. blessed assurance often seems to start with near-complete uncertainty.

scenes from the road

this, as some of you might recall, is the noid. now, domino's pizza had strict instructions on avoiding the noid. but how could i resist it? he has been riding on my "trip reset" button for many a moon- possibly 7 years. he gets very upset when i speed and was my only travelling companion. special thanks to judson abernathy for giving me the "yo noid" nes game on my birthday years ago.

young bearded men

pulling into my first gas station in oregon, i was immediately approached by a young-bearded man (ybm) wanting to pump my gas. what follows is the readers digest condensed version of our interlude.

me: that's alright. i know what i'm doing.
ybm: no, really, i'll pump your gas.
me: no man, i appreciate it. but i really can do this.
ybm: it's against the law.
me: sorry?
ybm: it's against the law for you to pump your own gas.
me: really?
ybm: yeah, it's illegal here and in new jersey. i guess people were starting fires.
me: oh, okay.
ybm: you want me to fill it up?
me: oh, okay.
ybm: you were like: "what the f__ is this guy doing?"
me: yeah, i was... to a degree.
ybm: welcome to oregon. you'll get used to it.

his words carried more sentimental meaning and unintentionally inspired more hope than i ever expected from filling up my tank. "you'll get used to it." i'm sure he was only talking about the gas laws, but i'd like to think he was painting with a broader brush.

"sure, it might be a little bit of a struggle at first. but i know you. you'll get used to it" says the young-bearded man. "you're going to be fine. if you don't believe me, i'll even offer to clean your windshield to convince you." at least, that is how it went after i left.

that's been the general feeling i've had this first few days. things are unexpected and new, but kind of nice at the same time. it is kind of nice having random bearded men fill up your gas tank (there is nothing not hetero about that comment).

you know, it reminds me of another young-bearded man that used to walk through this world a long time ago, giving people wisdom and encouragement, blessing people, filling up their tanks and cleaning up the windshields of his day. it was my great-great uncle svetozar bjelica bedi who you might remember me discussing in my yurt post. ah, old uncle toz.

the bottom line is that God is continually speaking to us. He is talking us through our days, encouraging us in our actions and, in general, loving us more than we could know in ways we sometimes don't see. that is having the Spirit in us. now, this is hard to get used to because it is constantly amazing.

we get in trouble when we allow ourselves to get "used to" God. there is just too much to Him for that. it is hard to worship Him, in any way, when we are used to Him. sometimes, like job, we need God to remind us of the great things He has done. it reminds us that He is far beyond our image, our expectations of God.

oregon

i am now in oregon. as far as i can tell, i do not have dysentery. it has been a beautiful drive. i had about three hours yesterday of purely remarkable driving as the sun was starting to set. i have pictures that won't do it justice. i'll see about getting a few on the inter-web.

the land of farmer's daughters

that's right, i'm in iowa for the briefest of spells (sbtb reference above). i am awakened now and about to partake in my "free" continental breakfeast (that misspelling is not an accident). i'm not sure what continents that will be represented. there will be waffles.

the driving has been just fine. i went through missouri for a while, passing through kansas city as the sun set. it was nice to know that my kansas city royals hat would finally be home. it is used to people questioning my fandom.

in fact, there is this guy from kansas city that works at the publics i would always go to. with this man, i have had no less than 6 conversations, really more like one conversation acted out 6 times. if i wanted, i could answer his questions when he starts his sentances. that might freak him out. i'm also somewhat sure that he tells all his kc friends that there are something like 6 royals fans that come into the grocery store he works at in nashville.

i should get into idaho today. the unicorn is being such a trooper. but what would you expect from a majestic, mythical creature?

i'm off

the quickest point from a to b is not always a straight line. it depends on how you are going to get there. according to google maps, it would take me 35+ days to walk this route. i'll keep that in perspective as i question my decision to drive instead of fly out there.

the road

today i read the following sentence: the road is never long between friends.

firstly, yes it is. sometimes it is very long. sometimes it is too long. i've even experienced there not being a road at all, it ended at the metaphorical atlantic ocean.

this sunday, i'll be driving my 93' legend roughly 2400 miles from my home in franklin, tennessee to multnomah biblical seminary in portland, oregon. if God put a straight line road east to west across australia (the 6th largest country in the world), it would be roughly how far i am driving. that is a pretty long road, even for friends. just google map nashville to portland. i'm an idiot.

i don't care what the happy people at hallmark or whoever came up with the quote above tell you, distance is hard on any relationship. and that distance, or that road if i may, can feel longer and longer, making you feel more and more alone.

these are the kind of fears that accompany any kind of drastic geographical relocation. i worry about my relationships with friends here at home, even though some of those often feel distant while we are 7 minutes away. i think about college and how many of my friendships have faded away. these people i was so close to i now pseudo-spy on with facebook, during my monthly visits.

it is amazing how that happens. i can only blame the road, the space between a and b. it is natural. you stay close to some and in a few years probably forget the name of the others. distance has a way of weaning out relationships. some you miss more than others.

wow, this has become bleak. yeah michael phelps! woo-hoo!

with that transition, i'll become a little more positive. with the relocation come the opportunity of new relationships, new friendships. the distance can either motivate you to seek those out, or you can let it lock you in your room, pining for the moment you get to go home.

i'm not the kind to pine. i'll get a little wistful thinking about yesteryear whenever i have a worther's original, but don't carry the desire for the past that is associated with pining. so i guess that leaves me on the other side.

i'm hopeful for what is out there for me. it is a part of my life that has been coming for the last four years. it is something i've prayed about more than a few times. it is comforting to know it is almost here.

i feel like i'm being faithful, not only to the call on my life, but to God's leading in general. that has been my goal in life, to always say yes to Him.

this saying yes has put me in strange and sometimes uncomfortable places but also provided me with amazing experiences and the chance to know amazing people. sunday morning it will have me in a 15-year old car driving across australia (figuratively) with high gas prices , a sad amount of money in my bank-account and no cruise-control. i'll have plenty of time to ask God what the heck i'm doing. maybe some day i'll have an idea. for right now, i'm just trying to say yes.