i'm not sure about this one

a few days back, in class, i couldn't really pay attention. my mind just wasn't processing anything anybody had to say. any ability to operate as a student left me, i was seceding from any realm of usefulness or function.

it is in times like these, that i will reach for a trusty journal (moleskin w/ graph paper), any slip of paper or even a napkin and let my pen (typically a pilot g2-07) and the paper have a conversation. much of the time i am removed, or feel removed, from the whole thing- like a spectator. so, i've decided to write out this last one. i've also decided not to edit it at all, which i may regret. so it will pretty much just be that specific thought process, which means i'm not really sure how much i'll buy into myself. also, it is quite long. also again, i'll reflect a little on it at the end.

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"it feels like the problem with letting people know you is that they know you. in that knowledge they begin to see you as you are- your struggles, your weaknesses, your tendencies & flaws [not that i have those], and also your strengths, your gifts, your talents and the things that bring you satisfaction [not that i have any of those either].

they begin to be a part of that cleansing God has got you in- the process of sanctification, of reflecting what, in Christ, you will one day fully be & which to a degree you already are. i've always heard sanctification as being made holy, and that is good. but it seems to be more of a realizing that you are holy. the "be holy, for I am holy" by God is as much as a charge, a command as it is an invitation, especially after Christ's life. it is Jesus inviting us to share in that holiness. He does this not just through His life, death and resurrection but also by the giving of the Spirit.

this is why Jesus spoke with his disciples of the one that is to come which is greater than he was, though they are part of the same being. Jesus, God incarnate could only be with us, living alongside us but the Spirit is in us, living through us.

if i cannot see this, if i don't believe this, if i don't embrace this, than i only have the hope which my own will can inspire. i can only cling to the hope that my will might give me life: idolatry of the will. if that were true, Christ didn't need to come, why would he have come at all? so that i could gain life myself through discipline and moral thoughts/actions? He came to ready us for His Spirit and the divine community. Christ came to purify us, show us life by the Spirit and ready us to house Love, i have to remember that God is Love.

when we accept that grace, we are holy. we are no longer just some sinner, we are a new creation. sanctification is the realization of that, it is the uncovering of years of dirt to see the pure and spotless thing we now are in Christ. it comes from the inside, because it comes from the Spirit. it burns in us, until it consumes us. the more we realize and accept it as actually being there, the more we see who we are, who God has made us through that continual and constant grace.

letting people know you is a part of that. they can see the parts of you that shine like they are supposed to. but they can see the parts we still cover in a little dirt. they can see the things you have a tendency to make filthy, because some of that filth gets on them too- by your hand or their own. they see the places that seem to find their way into the muck and mire of living, because we can pull them in with us. they can see the spots you cannot reach, the dirt you never knew you had- behind your ears, in the middle of your back.

and when you've surrounded yourself with people who long to see you spotless, not those who want you to be covered in dirt so they feel clean in comparison, they will- in gentleness and love, through prayer and compassion- help you see those areas. if you already see them, they will help push you forward towards cleansing. they will take you to the fountain and push you into it. they will help keep you from getting dirty again and if you do, they will remind you who you are, that you don't have to cover yourself with dirt anymore, that this junk isn't a part of you anymore. you are clean and there is no need to run & dive into the mud again.

they can also see where God has shined and polished you, the places that reflect what God has done the brightest. they help you realize you have that because we cannot always see that either. our eyes are so drawn to and fixated on the dirt. i am so hard on myself, so critical, so aware of my filth. but they can see your shiny spots, the reflection of the Son draws their eyes like a blinking light in the sky at night. sure there are smudges, but they can see the purest parts of you, where you have been washed and cleaned by God. you are clean under all that dirt you apply and they would do anything so you might know that.

let that dirt be washed off, let if fall down, funnel towards the drain and let it go. enjoy who you now are, let that soak in. you are clean, don't jump back into that filth just because you got used to it. this might take time, but eventually you'll realize that you don't like being dirty. maybe you have already. we cannot clean ourselves. quit trying to do that and let God do it, realize He already has- if you are cleansed by the Lamb, if that Spirit dwells in you, lives in you, He already has. just 'cease striving and know that I am God' ps 46.10"

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yikes. it is interesting reading your own writing & thoughts and knowing that you are in the process of putting it on the internet without filter. here are a few things or thoughts about this. i find it interesting how i went back in forth from you, we and i. this wasn't written with the intentions of publishing it. it was written to me and at me- the me now and the me to be determined later. it is also interesting to me how sanctification has been on my mind lately. i cannot escape it. nor can i escape themes of community, what i would want it to be. i want relationships like the type i hinted at in this thing.

i think so much of that possibility hinges on us being willing to be known, to be vulnerable, to be willing to be hurt, to be willing to love someone, to be willing to be loved. sadly, we have not really given each other much confidence for doing that. we are so mean to each other sometimes. then, we are so guarded and protective of ourselves and i wonder if that isn't to the detriment of each other. how much we could learn from each other if we would just open up, relax and let go of our selves, the ones we have created, and actually be who we are. i think it would do so much for that void it seems so many feel, that lack of community, of companionship, of love.

addison

well, i am officially an uncle. addison bedi made her way into the world early monday morning. here are my two favorite pictures thus far:



there is something about each of these pictures that makes me very happy. one is seeing my brother hold his daughter. it is funny to think that the guy that used to sit on my head and do unspeakable things. this is the guy who used to place his knees on my chest and stomach, forcing all the air out of my lungs in a painful fashion while letting a healthy collection of spit dangle from his mouth only to suck it back like a yo-yo time and time again. this is the same guy who would take his chin and, performing a move he would call the type-writer, forcefully ram it into my back and shoulders repeatedly. this same guy is now going to be raising a little girl.

i look forward to seeing that.

sadly, i have to look forward. currently, i can feel the gap between this place and that one. seeing the pictures make me sad to know that it will most likely be mid-december before i get to awkwardly hold her, fearing as though i am going to break her somehow, and also before i get to see my family and addison's parents hold her comfortably without fear of her falling apart because they know what they are doing when a baby is thrust upon them. but i won't get a real sense of those qualities that make addison uniquely her. i have to settle for descriptions and that just won't suffice for me. i want to smell her, hold her, hear her, feel her breathing.

the distance is noticeable.

today, the importance of family to me became much clearer. as i told a friend of my longing to be with my family, especially its newest member, he commented on how much my family seemed to mean to me. it took me off guard. i never really noticed that in me, at least not as something unique. i suppose i forget sometimes that not everybody has that. i do have a family i love and realize that i need to be grateful for it.

my family is just another item on the list of the ways God has blessed me, a list which seems to reveal more blessings each day. in his gospel john said we have received grace upon grace, or one blessing after another from God's fullness (1.16). i'm thankful God shares that fullness with us in such a personal way, in ways unique to each of us, ways that matter.

which brings me to the second picture. it would seem that her fingers are roughly the same length as my own. i am waiting for the picture of her palming a basketball. aside from the basketball potential, i can only hope this child will retain this trait of long fingers and develop a love of music. if she doesn't, her crazy uncle will force it upon her. i will sneak her off to piano and guitar lessons when her parents aren't looking. but that finger thing is the secondary issue.

i love how serene she looks. i love how calming that picture is. i'm sure there will be screaming and pooping and crying. but something about her resting here, one hand neatly fold over the other, relaxes and comforts me. it makes the distance feel both more and less concrete. i guess i'll take that.

High Quality Beached Whale explosion video

"they blew up a whale. they didn't know what to do." cherylyn kettel- in a terrified voice.

injured, injured bad......

i realize this is so very old. yet, i cannot express how happy this kid makes me. every time i smile. every time i love this kid more. every aspect of it makes me happy: the breathing, the inability to get it out, the disbelief of a man kicking someone in the penis, the slight lisp, the dimples, the high pitched you know what he did, the fact that he says penis as the location specifically, the injured- injured bad- with head shaking and the list goes on and on.

also good, is the karate one with this kid. "i need to check if my muscles are grown. ooh it's grown now. it's really grown now." this quote also makes me happy. this is easily 30 of my favorite seconds in the world. God bless this kid and whoever put a camera in front of him.

i realize the word penis is in this post a good deal more than usual. i don't care. grow up. it's a medical word.

the art of stalling

today my very self will wage war with itself. it is civil war within me. the nobler side longs to saturate my mind with knowledge, wisdom and information that will benefit the whole of mankind. the side of lesser good will attempt to derail my endeavor with many trite distractions. it will say things like: "hey, check out this stuff on youtube," "you know, knock them all you want but the soaps are pretty awesome," "you should update your blog, it's been a week."

the war will play out, battles will be won by both sides (how can i resist my stories?) and ultimately i will finish what i need to before tomorrow. yet i will stall with all the artistry of jan van eyck (the arnolfini portrait could ring a bell). i will allow my mind to wander in glorious fields, but not to far. my mind will have a reasonable tether today. as soon as it begins to stray to far from the necessary work in front of me, time will yank it back in a swift jerking motion.

how time can disappear is amazing to me. i have found myself lately in a state of unbelief when i look at the clock. time is a major player in the art of stalling. the pressure that time brings is probably the hardest thing to deal with at school, but that isn't much different than anything else.

there is quite a bit of reading. if i did not enjoy reading, i am sure this would be much more of a difficulty. the issue is time. i am in a position where i must decide what is important to read carefully and what needs to be read quite casually.

because it has been a while since i was a proper student, i have had a hard time developing my reading filter. i have been reading a little too much like i did when time was completely open ended. no deadlines or assignments or expectations loomed over my head. i was able to allow the words on the page to engage me at our own pace. this is how i like to read.

i'll get to read that way again some time soon. but for now, it has to become something a little more mechanic. i have to be quick yet i still have to retain the information on the page. this is actually kind of a fun challenge. i need to relearn how to carefully read very quickly.

monday is a day free from class for me. i have a weekly 3-day weekend. yet my weekly holiday is spent trying to accomplish most, if not all, my week's work. i have attempted to seek out places that will be conducive to this feeble attempt.

today, i will venture to my new favorite bookstore, powell's. the link to the left or above, depending on the size of your computer screen, will not capture the splendor of powell's. the one i like to go to is a full city block. i'd also like to point out that saul bellow is part of the reason it exists. that is important.

other places of interest:
-the grotto: the national sanctuary of our sorrowful mother. this features splendid views, serene walks, a glass walled room on a cliff with an awkwardly life-like and extremely white mary and blond-haired, blue-eyed child and very comfortable leather chairs and, finally, no less than one very uptight security guard.
- rocky butte: an amazing panorama view of portland. i was there with a group as the sun was setting. it is quite a site to see. the link basically has a few of photos of it to the left. it has great lights.

i will periodically, hopefully, continue to add places of interest. it is only a matter of time. i just have to figure out when neglecting school is the right thing to do and when i am just wanting to be a little lazy. obviously, this post is one big attempt at delaying my heroic dive into the world of scholarly endeavors. i'll consider that attempt a solid success. stalling is an art. if it prevents you from accomplishing what you need/want to, then it has not been done well. however, if you are able to entertain the many distractions while completing the race, so to speak, then you've got something as artistic as team rhythmic gymnastics.