future hindsight

scientists should be studying me right now. for the last couple of weeks it seems like i have not been able to find actual rest. i have slept reasonable hours, even stealing the very occasional nap. it seems as though sleeping one hour up to 24 and anywhere in between would leave me with heavy eyes and the insatiable desire to be horizontal.

times like this are wonderful in hindsight. i know that when i get to the end of this incredibly draining semester i will be grateful for the exhaustion because it meant growth. i am having to depend on the parts of me that i hoped were there. you like to think that you've got a little reserve fuel in you, that you have something that will push you that extra few steps and then some. i look forward to looking back on this time because i will see that i did have it in me and that it was God's great grace bringing me through. i will see how much i have gained because of that divine energy.

i have always tried not to be preachy on this thing. sometimes i'm not too good at trying. but the truth is that i am grateful and i am amazed at what God does. He gets a lot of slack for things that happen in this world it seems. i'm not exempt from questioning and wrestling with doubt. but i have seen and felt ridiculous levels of grace and love. i have learned to trust God when i cannot understand Him and that there is beauty in the things of/about God that we can understand. i am grateful of the things we can know because He revealed them to us in His word and His creation.

i'm in a period of growth, in knowledge and in love. those two things together are pretty amazing. again, i'm grateful to be where i am. but i am miserably tired and exhausted. so often it seems like those two sets go together well. growth almost always involves some type of struggle or trial. knowing that, the struggle becomes much easier. knowing what hebrews 11 and 12 say makes the struggle much easier. faith carries us through the struggle that God, with purpose, sets before us. those heroes of the faith knew it. there is purpose for the hardship and buying into that truth helps us become more like what, in Christ, we will one day be.

my tired eyes will freshen up soon enough, my aching back will be healed up soon enough, my brain will stop running in circles soon enough and i'll end this post soon enough. my dwindling bank account might not ever be filled up but i know that God is good and, thanks to the work of Christ, he is within me filling me up with more than i need. if it isn't in this life, i'm grateful for the future hope salvation affords me.

these days there is a great deal of worry in this world. money seems to be running away. business are hurting. wonderful organizations that are dearly loved and that will be dearly missed by many are dissolving. retirement plans are calling it quits and nest eggs aren't quite hatching anymore. and there are countless other troubles i've not seen or experienced.

yet, God is good. seeing the goodness and love of God in these times is hard. maybe it doesn't seem to make sense on the surface. but i think seeing it does make sense out of our circumstances, by allowing us future hindsight right now. because God is who He is i need not fret. knowing that these hardships will have great meaning in the future gives them great meaning now. i like how that works. perspective i don't have yet is available for me through faith, through trusting that God is indeed working in this world and in my life.