willie nelson

there is a moment in the first season of lost which i can site as the start of me loving it. it happened on the episode when the survivors are deciding whether they will dwell on the beach, with the faint hope of being spotted, or moving into the caves, for added protection and fresh water.

as they settle down in their respective camps, hurley begins listening to an old willie nelson song. this link will get you to it. the song asks "are you sure this is where you want to be?" it stayed with me, burrowed deeply into my head to haunt me periodically in my life. it stayed with me then, because i wasn't where i wanted to be.

it was where i needed to be though. i needed to be in a place where i was searching for meaning and purpose, a statement all to easy to make in hindsight. at the time, i felt mostly guilt and an alarming sense of failure that i wasn't at that place, a place not even defined at all.

i wasn't sure where i wanted to be exactly. willie nelson only rubbed my face in the dirt, although he kept it "between you and me." i was sure i didn't want to be where i was at the time i watched this episode. i desired a place that didn't exist- not in my mind, not anywhere- and felt burdened that i could not actualize that desire. that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, unfair and unreasonable as it was.

the only bit of hope i had was that i was where God wanted me to be. as trite as that can sound, it was my only bit of comfort. deep within me i knew it mattered more where He wanted me and i was trying to find that. i knew that i would be more satisfied following his guidance than pursuing things in which God was not present.

now i don't expect you to believe that i've pursued His will perfectly or even, at times, that well . but i feel like those times when i followed the Savior's leading into the places i was sure i didn't want to be were pivotal to the now and to the place He is taking me.

this all comes to mind because that old willie nelson song is back in my head this week. it has been running through it periodically, asking that question: are you sure this is where you want to be? this school, this state, this city: are you sure?

for the first time in a long time, i have a winsome grin when that song plays through my head. i'm pretty sure i am where i want to be. the part that makes it all the more sweet, is that i feel like that divine want and my want are in sync.

it seems like, as a christian, those two things are always supposed to line up. but the Bible is full of examples of them not lining up. there is something to that. it is as if God is saying "i know this isn't easy, this not my will but thine process." that helps me. it helps to know that i am in a course of being made more like Him, of being sanctified. it helps to know, in time, where i want to be will be purely where He wants me to be.

the desires of my heart that the Lord is going to give me as that popular verse in psalm 37 tells us come when and after i learn to delight myself in Him. that isn't about getting what i want, but about finding the joy that comes from longing for God and what He wants- then actually seeing those wants come to fruition.

i suppose the reason i like lost and that this particular scene stuck with me is that it shows the choices people make about who they are within a community or even the community with which they are going to identify. it expressed something of what i was going through, the wondering of what i was intended to do- not just with my life but with my days. in fact i'm grateful to lost and, of course, to willie nelson for asking me that question so often and preventing me from being willing to accept my initial answer. blessed assurance often seems to start with near-complete uncertainty.