i'm not sure about this one

a few days back, in class, i couldn't really pay attention. my mind just wasn't processing anything anybody had to say. any ability to operate as a student left me, i was seceding from any realm of usefulness or function.

it is in times like these, that i will reach for a trusty journal (moleskin w/ graph paper), any slip of paper or even a napkin and let my pen (typically a pilot g2-07) and the paper have a conversation. much of the time i am removed, or feel removed, from the whole thing- like a spectator. so, i've decided to write out this last one. i've also decided not to edit it at all, which i may regret. so it will pretty much just be that specific thought process, which means i'm not really sure how much i'll buy into myself. also, it is quite long. also again, i'll reflect a little on it at the end.

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"it feels like the problem with letting people know you is that they know you. in that knowledge they begin to see you as you are- your struggles, your weaknesses, your tendencies & flaws [not that i have those], and also your strengths, your gifts, your talents and the things that bring you satisfaction [not that i have any of those either].

they begin to be a part of that cleansing God has got you in- the process of sanctification, of reflecting what, in Christ, you will one day fully be & which to a degree you already are. i've always heard sanctification as being made holy, and that is good. but it seems to be more of a realizing that you are holy. the "be holy, for I am holy" by God is as much as a charge, a command as it is an invitation, especially after Christ's life. it is Jesus inviting us to share in that holiness. He does this not just through His life, death and resurrection but also by the giving of the Spirit.

this is why Jesus spoke with his disciples of the one that is to come which is greater than he was, though they are part of the same being. Jesus, God incarnate could only be with us, living alongside us but the Spirit is in us, living through us.

if i cannot see this, if i don't believe this, if i don't embrace this, than i only have the hope which my own will can inspire. i can only cling to the hope that my will might give me life: idolatry of the will. if that were true, Christ didn't need to come, why would he have come at all? so that i could gain life myself through discipline and moral thoughts/actions? He came to ready us for His Spirit and the divine community. Christ came to purify us, show us life by the Spirit and ready us to house Love, i have to remember that God is Love.

when we accept that grace, we are holy. we are no longer just some sinner, we are a new creation. sanctification is the realization of that, it is the uncovering of years of dirt to see the pure and spotless thing we now are in Christ. it comes from the inside, because it comes from the Spirit. it burns in us, until it consumes us. the more we realize and accept it as actually being there, the more we see who we are, who God has made us through that continual and constant grace.

letting people know you is a part of that. they can see the parts of you that shine like they are supposed to. but they can see the parts we still cover in a little dirt. they can see the things you have a tendency to make filthy, because some of that filth gets on them too- by your hand or their own. they see the places that seem to find their way into the muck and mire of living, because we can pull them in with us. they can see the spots you cannot reach, the dirt you never knew you had- behind your ears, in the middle of your back.

and when you've surrounded yourself with people who long to see you spotless, not those who want you to be covered in dirt so they feel clean in comparison, they will- in gentleness and love, through prayer and compassion- help you see those areas. if you already see them, they will help push you forward towards cleansing. they will take you to the fountain and push you into it. they will help keep you from getting dirty again and if you do, they will remind you who you are, that you don't have to cover yourself with dirt anymore, that this junk isn't a part of you anymore. you are clean and there is no need to run & dive into the mud again.

they can also see where God has shined and polished you, the places that reflect what God has done the brightest. they help you realize you have that because we cannot always see that either. our eyes are so drawn to and fixated on the dirt. i am so hard on myself, so critical, so aware of my filth. but they can see your shiny spots, the reflection of the Son draws their eyes like a blinking light in the sky at night. sure there are smudges, but they can see the purest parts of you, where you have been washed and cleaned by God. you are clean under all that dirt you apply and they would do anything so you might know that.

let that dirt be washed off, let if fall down, funnel towards the drain and let it go. enjoy who you now are, let that soak in. you are clean, don't jump back into that filth just because you got used to it. this might take time, but eventually you'll realize that you don't like being dirty. maybe you have already. we cannot clean ourselves. quit trying to do that and let God do it, realize He already has- if you are cleansed by the Lamb, if that Spirit dwells in you, lives in you, He already has. just 'cease striving and know that I am God' ps 46.10"

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yikes. it is interesting reading your own writing & thoughts and knowing that you are in the process of putting it on the internet without filter. here are a few things or thoughts about this. i find it interesting how i went back in forth from you, we and i. this wasn't written with the intentions of publishing it. it was written to me and at me- the me now and the me to be determined later. it is also interesting to me how sanctification has been on my mind lately. i cannot escape it. nor can i escape themes of community, what i would want it to be. i want relationships like the type i hinted at in this thing.

i think so much of that possibility hinges on us being willing to be known, to be vulnerable, to be willing to be hurt, to be willing to love someone, to be willing to be loved. sadly, we have not really given each other much confidence for doing that. we are so mean to each other sometimes. then, we are so guarded and protective of ourselves and i wonder if that isn't to the detriment of each other. how much we could learn from each other if we would just open up, relax and let go of our selves, the ones we have created, and actually be who we are. i think it would do so much for that void it seems so many feel, that lack of community, of companionship, of love.

addison

well, i am officially an uncle. addison bedi made her way into the world early monday morning. here are my two favorite pictures thus far:



there is something about each of these pictures that makes me very happy. one is seeing my brother hold his daughter. it is funny to think that the guy that used to sit on my head and do unspeakable things. this is the guy who used to place his knees on my chest and stomach, forcing all the air out of my lungs in a painful fashion while letting a healthy collection of spit dangle from his mouth only to suck it back like a yo-yo time and time again. this is the same guy who would take his chin and, performing a move he would call the type-writer, forcefully ram it into my back and shoulders repeatedly. this same guy is now going to be raising a little girl.

i look forward to seeing that.

sadly, i have to look forward. currently, i can feel the gap between this place and that one. seeing the pictures make me sad to know that it will most likely be mid-december before i get to awkwardly hold her, fearing as though i am going to break her somehow, and also before i get to see my family and addison's parents hold her comfortably without fear of her falling apart because they know what they are doing when a baby is thrust upon them. but i won't get a real sense of those qualities that make addison uniquely her. i have to settle for descriptions and that just won't suffice for me. i want to smell her, hold her, hear her, feel her breathing.

the distance is noticeable.

today, the importance of family to me became much clearer. as i told a friend of my longing to be with my family, especially its newest member, he commented on how much my family seemed to mean to me. it took me off guard. i never really noticed that in me, at least not as something unique. i suppose i forget sometimes that not everybody has that. i do have a family i love and realize that i need to be grateful for it.

my family is just another item on the list of the ways God has blessed me, a list which seems to reveal more blessings each day. in his gospel john said we have received grace upon grace, or one blessing after another from God's fullness (1.16). i'm thankful God shares that fullness with us in such a personal way, in ways unique to each of us, ways that matter.

which brings me to the second picture. it would seem that her fingers are roughly the same length as my own. i am waiting for the picture of her palming a basketball. aside from the basketball potential, i can only hope this child will retain this trait of long fingers and develop a love of music. if she doesn't, her crazy uncle will force it upon her. i will sneak her off to piano and guitar lessons when her parents aren't looking. but that finger thing is the secondary issue.

i love how serene she looks. i love how calming that picture is. i'm sure there will be screaming and pooping and crying. but something about her resting here, one hand neatly fold over the other, relaxes and comforts me. it makes the distance feel both more and less concrete. i guess i'll take that.

High Quality Beached Whale explosion video

"they blew up a whale. they didn't know what to do." cherylyn kettel- in a terrified voice.

injured, injured bad......

i realize this is so very old. yet, i cannot express how happy this kid makes me. every time i smile. every time i love this kid more. every aspect of it makes me happy: the breathing, the inability to get it out, the disbelief of a man kicking someone in the penis, the slight lisp, the dimples, the high pitched you know what he did, the fact that he says penis as the location specifically, the injured- injured bad- with head shaking and the list goes on and on.

also good, is the karate one with this kid. "i need to check if my muscles are grown. ooh it's grown now. it's really grown now." this quote also makes me happy. this is easily 30 of my favorite seconds in the world. God bless this kid and whoever put a camera in front of him.

i realize the word penis is in this post a good deal more than usual. i don't care. grow up. it's a medical word.

the art of stalling

today my very self will wage war with itself. it is civil war within me. the nobler side longs to saturate my mind with knowledge, wisdom and information that will benefit the whole of mankind. the side of lesser good will attempt to derail my endeavor with many trite distractions. it will say things like: "hey, check out this stuff on youtube," "you know, knock them all you want but the soaps are pretty awesome," "you should update your blog, it's been a week."

the war will play out, battles will be won by both sides (how can i resist my stories?) and ultimately i will finish what i need to before tomorrow. yet i will stall with all the artistry of jan van eyck (the arnolfini portrait could ring a bell). i will allow my mind to wander in glorious fields, but not to far. my mind will have a reasonable tether today. as soon as it begins to stray to far from the necessary work in front of me, time will yank it back in a swift jerking motion.

how time can disappear is amazing to me. i have found myself lately in a state of unbelief when i look at the clock. time is a major player in the art of stalling. the pressure that time brings is probably the hardest thing to deal with at school, but that isn't much different than anything else.

there is quite a bit of reading. if i did not enjoy reading, i am sure this would be much more of a difficulty. the issue is time. i am in a position where i must decide what is important to read carefully and what needs to be read quite casually.

because it has been a while since i was a proper student, i have had a hard time developing my reading filter. i have been reading a little too much like i did when time was completely open ended. no deadlines or assignments or expectations loomed over my head. i was able to allow the words on the page to engage me at our own pace. this is how i like to read.

i'll get to read that way again some time soon. but for now, it has to become something a little more mechanic. i have to be quick yet i still have to retain the information on the page. this is actually kind of a fun challenge. i need to relearn how to carefully read very quickly.

monday is a day free from class for me. i have a weekly 3-day weekend. yet my weekly holiday is spent trying to accomplish most, if not all, my week's work. i have attempted to seek out places that will be conducive to this feeble attempt.

today, i will venture to my new favorite bookstore, powell's. the link to the left or above, depending on the size of your computer screen, will not capture the splendor of powell's. the one i like to go to is a full city block. i'd also like to point out that saul bellow is part of the reason it exists. that is important.

other places of interest:
-the grotto: the national sanctuary of our sorrowful mother. this features splendid views, serene walks, a glass walled room on a cliff with an awkwardly life-like and extremely white mary and blond-haired, blue-eyed child and very comfortable leather chairs and, finally, no less than one very uptight security guard.
- rocky butte: an amazing panorama view of portland. i was there with a group as the sun was setting. it is quite a site to see. the link basically has a few of photos of it to the left. it has great lights.

i will periodically, hopefully, continue to add places of interest. it is only a matter of time. i just have to figure out when neglecting school is the right thing to do and when i am just wanting to be a little lazy. obviously, this post is one big attempt at delaying my heroic dive into the world of scholarly endeavors. i'll consider that attempt a solid success. stalling is an art. if it prevents you from accomplishing what you need/want to, then it has not been done well. however, if you are able to entertain the many distractions while completing the race, so to speak, then you've got something as artistic as team rhythmic gymnastics.

reason's last step

i just read this on espn.com from columnist matt mosley:

"Right now I'm in sort of an emotional state because the moderate Baptists from Baylor lost to another Baptist school (Wake Forest) that may or may not believe in full immersion. But I have seen the future of college football, and his name is Robert Griffin."

it is interesting how theology plays into our lives. theology is so closely attached to how we look at everything. this quote was obviously a joke, which i get. the thing that makes it equal parts funny and sad is that it isn't really a joke for some.

there are truly no people that are immune from having theology, from being theologians. it is a necessary part of humanity: the God question. we form opinions, make declarations and act on them- with a lot of being confused. most of the time, at least to me, there is an emphasis on the being confused part.

the confusion part is actually one of my favorite parts of theology, of thinking about God. i suppose the confusion, a good portion awe, helps me to know God really is. i'll never be able to understand or explain the trinity beyond the simple. i'll never really understand questions of suffering. i'll have answers and thoughts on those things, sure. but i'll always just be guessing, albeit an educated and explored guess. i believe having these ideas matters. at some point though, it doesn't.

at some point, it doesn't matter if you are amellinial, post-mellinial or pre-mellinial, dispensationalist or otherwise. to a degree, it doesn't matter whether you believe in sprinkling, dunking or another form of baptism. there are so many disputed aspects of the diverse and collective theology of the church. some matter more than others. i am saying that these things matter, that theology matters. there needs to be balance.

but that point where it stops mattering, is when that theology, your system of thought and that belief structure replaces God. you've stopped caring to know Him. you've started caring solely to know about Him. theology is missing the point, when it isn't personal with the divine creator and sustainer of life.

for me, a week into seminary, all of the above is going to be a part of my task. this is something i had a hard time doing for a part of my undergrad experience. i would hate to see my love for the completeness of God be overwhelmed by the complexities. i don't want to figure him out. i want to love him more, know him more, serve him more, trust him more, listen to him more...

so if i get to sound like i'm letting much of this stuff i'm studying here stay in my head, please remind me how much more it matters to have it in your heart, in your gut. remind me that and, from time to time, remind yourself.

pascal says this: "reason's last step is to recognition that there are an infinite number of things which are beyond it. it is merely feeble if it does not go as far as to realize that."

triple play

last night, i was able to work three wonderfully random movie references into conversation with one of my new classmates. they were as follows:

teen wolf,
ladybugs,
and sister act 2i was really happy with myself because none of them were forced. each naturally fit into the conversation. now this person believes i only watch movies of a lesser quality. i really enjoy the tag line on the ladybugs poster.

willie nelson

there is a moment in the first season of lost which i can site as the start of me loving it. it happened on the episode when the survivors are deciding whether they will dwell on the beach, with the faint hope of being spotted, or moving into the caves, for added protection and fresh water.

as they settle down in their respective camps, hurley begins listening to an old willie nelson song. this link will get you to it. the song asks "are you sure this is where you want to be?" it stayed with me, burrowed deeply into my head to haunt me periodically in my life. it stayed with me then, because i wasn't where i wanted to be.

it was where i needed to be though. i needed to be in a place where i was searching for meaning and purpose, a statement all to easy to make in hindsight. at the time, i felt mostly guilt and an alarming sense of failure that i wasn't at that place, a place not even defined at all.

i wasn't sure where i wanted to be exactly. willie nelson only rubbed my face in the dirt, although he kept it "between you and me." i was sure i didn't want to be where i was at the time i watched this episode. i desired a place that didn't exist- not in my mind, not anywhere- and felt burdened that i could not actualize that desire. that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, unfair and unreasonable as it was.

the only bit of hope i had was that i was where God wanted me to be. as trite as that can sound, it was my only bit of comfort. deep within me i knew it mattered more where He wanted me and i was trying to find that. i knew that i would be more satisfied following his guidance than pursuing things in which God was not present.

now i don't expect you to believe that i've pursued His will perfectly or even, at times, that well . but i feel like those times when i followed the Savior's leading into the places i was sure i didn't want to be were pivotal to the now and to the place He is taking me.

this all comes to mind because that old willie nelson song is back in my head this week. it has been running through it periodically, asking that question: are you sure this is where you want to be? this school, this state, this city: are you sure?

for the first time in a long time, i have a winsome grin when that song plays through my head. i'm pretty sure i am where i want to be. the part that makes it all the more sweet, is that i feel like that divine want and my want are in sync.

it seems like, as a christian, those two things are always supposed to line up. but the Bible is full of examples of them not lining up. there is something to that. it is as if God is saying "i know this isn't easy, this not my will but thine process." that helps me. it helps to know that i am in a course of being made more like Him, of being sanctified. it helps to know, in time, where i want to be will be purely where He wants me to be.

the desires of my heart that the Lord is going to give me as that popular verse in psalm 37 tells us come when and after i learn to delight myself in Him. that isn't about getting what i want, but about finding the joy that comes from longing for God and what He wants- then actually seeing those wants come to fruition.

i suppose the reason i like lost and that this particular scene stuck with me is that it shows the choices people make about who they are within a community or even the community with which they are going to identify. it expressed something of what i was going through, the wondering of what i was intended to do- not just with my life but with my days. in fact i'm grateful to lost and, of course, to willie nelson for asking me that question so often and preventing me from being willing to accept my initial answer. blessed assurance often seems to start with near-complete uncertainty.

scenes from the road

this, as some of you might recall, is the noid. now, domino's pizza had strict instructions on avoiding the noid. but how could i resist it? he has been riding on my "trip reset" button for many a moon- possibly 7 years. he gets very upset when i speed and was my only travelling companion. special thanks to judson abernathy for giving me the "yo noid" nes game on my birthday years ago.

young bearded men

pulling into my first gas station in oregon, i was immediately approached by a young-bearded man (ybm) wanting to pump my gas. what follows is the readers digest condensed version of our interlude.

me: that's alright. i know what i'm doing.
ybm: no, really, i'll pump your gas.
me: no man, i appreciate it. but i really can do this.
ybm: it's against the law.
me: sorry?
ybm: it's against the law for you to pump your own gas.
me: really?
ybm: yeah, it's illegal here and in new jersey. i guess people were starting fires.
me: oh, okay.
ybm: you want me to fill it up?
me: oh, okay.
ybm: you were like: "what the f__ is this guy doing?"
me: yeah, i was... to a degree.
ybm: welcome to oregon. you'll get used to it.

his words carried more sentimental meaning and unintentionally inspired more hope than i ever expected from filling up my tank. "you'll get used to it." i'm sure he was only talking about the gas laws, but i'd like to think he was painting with a broader brush.

"sure, it might be a little bit of a struggle at first. but i know you. you'll get used to it" says the young-bearded man. "you're going to be fine. if you don't believe me, i'll even offer to clean your windshield to convince you." at least, that is how it went after i left.

that's been the general feeling i've had this first few days. things are unexpected and new, but kind of nice at the same time. it is kind of nice having random bearded men fill up your gas tank (there is nothing not hetero about that comment).

you know, it reminds me of another young-bearded man that used to walk through this world a long time ago, giving people wisdom and encouragement, blessing people, filling up their tanks and cleaning up the windshields of his day. it was my great-great uncle svetozar bjelica bedi who you might remember me discussing in my yurt post. ah, old uncle toz.

the bottom line is that God is continually speaking to us. He is talking us through our days, encouraging us in our actions and, in general, loving us more than we could know in ways we sometimes don't see. that is having the Spirit in us. now, this is hard to get used to because it is constantly amazing.

we get in trouble when we allow ourselves to get "used to" God. there is just too much to Him for that. it is hard to worship Him, in any way, when we are used to Him. sometimes, like job, we need God to remind us of the great things He has done. it reminds us that He is far beyond our image, our expectations of God.

oregon

i am now in oregon. as far as i can tell, i do not have dysentery. it has been a beautiful drive. i had about three hours yesterday of purely remarkable driving as the sun was starting to set. i have pictures that won't do it justice. i'll see about getting a few on the inter-web.

the land of farmer's daughters

that's right, i'm in iowa for the briefest of spells (sbtb reference above). i am awakened now and about to partake in my "free" continental breakfeast (that misspelling is not an accident). i'm not sure what continents that will be represented. there will be waffles.

the driving has been just fine. i went through missouri for a while, passing through kansas city as the sun set. it was nice to know that my kansas city royals hat would finally be home. it is used to people questioning my fandom.

in fact, there is this guy from kansas city that works at the publics i would always go to. with this man, i have had no less than 6 conversations, really more like one conversation acted out 6 times. if i wanted, i could answer his questions when he starts his sentances. that might freak him out. i'm also somewhat sure that he tells all his kc friends that there are something like 6 royals fans that come into the grocery store he works at in nashville.

i should get into idaho today. the unicorn is being such a trooper. but what would you expect from a majestic, mythical creature?