"whatever made you do it?"

so i've fell into the abyss that is facebook (hooray for back to back abyss usage). seriously though, facebook is an abyss in the truest sense of the word. it could go on forever, we know not how deep it goes or what is looking back at us when we gaze into it.

one of my new friends (i find it a bit disconcerting that people i've known for years are only now friends) asked me in the subject of a message "whatever made you do it?"

well, in short, my grandfather was dying.

i bet that is a bit of a unique reason to join.

for the last five years, at least, people have been doing everything they can to convince me to join. i resisted. calling it an abyss, a vacuum, a hoarder of time and consumer of life, i would not join.

for the last couple of days, i've been waiting, calling home to find out if William Bedi, Sr., my grandpa had passed away. he had a very bad stroke, was given a few hours to live and stretched it into a day or two.

to be in a foreign land, sleeping in a room alone with 30 empty beds adds to a bit of helplessness. perhaps in a period of isolation i longed for a bit of a connection with those back home. i don't know. that is probably the shrink's explanation and it has merit.

whatever the reason, i could not sleep. i could not rest. i could not get the pending answer to the question i kept asking.

i called late last night here in new zealand, early in the morning in the states of the day i had just lived. he had not passed. so i reclined back into my bed, assuming that when i woke i'd get the answer.

twenty minutes after we hung up, i would learn this morning, grandpa took a final, peaceful breath.

somewhere in the inbetween, the threshold between those two calls, i joined facebook for unknown reasons except that i needed to do something. i was tired of staring at the bottom of the bed above me. today, after i finish this, i will type a eulogy of sorts.

my heart is a bit confused. it feels great joy, because grandpa walked closely with the Lord and is now in His arms, where he has wanted to be as all followers do. it feels great loss, because he is gone.

the heaviness, the pressure i feel deep down is from that wrestling. the joy and the hurt are coming to terms with each other. once the joy wins over, which it will "in the fullness of time," i'll praise God in joy.

for now, until time and God do their works, my praise will be met with a little hurt for the loss of a life well lived. perhaps this is more complete worship. it is worship which embraces life in totality.

there is your answer. this is the "whatever" that made me join facebook, the abyss, the vacuum, the hoarder of time, the consumer of life and monopolizer of my email.